Loosing my cool

Yesterday was your madrinas and AJ's birthday. We had a day planned of morning spend it with your Madrina and in the evening with AJ. Well, it was 8 am when I heard you through the monitor crying. I watched thinking "you'll lay down (you were standing) and go back to sleep like you usually do" it didn't happen. I went in there trying to put you back to sleep bec you never wake up that early. If you stayed awake at 8 that means by 11 you'd want your nap... We were having lunch with Madrina at 11! I rocked you to sleep while sitting but you were just looking around. I had to get up (even though I didn't want to, my back has been hurting so much for the past week!) you were starting to daze off and I thought finally! I will go get ready while you nap a bit longer! as soon as I would lay you back to the crib you would wake up screaming and crying!!! I tried many times and next thing I know it was already 920!! Multiple times, I rocked you, sat down, walked away, and it all resulted in crying. But during my moments of frustration, I would raise my voice at you. I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry that sometimes I l just loose myself and get angry. I would never hurt you, you are my little heart, but rasing my voice at you when all you want to do is sleep in my arms is not any better. I'm sure you forgot all about it but I haven't. I haven't forgotten how I get so bothered and it makes you cry. How your little cry gets so emotional and tears build up in your eyes when we hardly ever see you cry with tears. I'm sorry my little guy. I try working on myself to have patience and calmness. Like dada. But sometimes being a mommy is very hard work. I promise to work on myself. To try and show you smiles and happiness. I don't want you to grow up being afraid of me. Or being afraid of my voice like I would be when my parents would be upset with me. I know you are okay and happy because not long after, you would smile at Me. I love you Liam. I'm sorry for not being the sweetest nicest mommy I wish I could be. But I'm trying.